Getting from FEAR to LOVE

August 3, 2010, 10:37 am
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Last night I attended a Karaoke party in Salt Lake.

I must admit, it was a little awkward at first.  When I walked into the room and looked around, I didn’t see a single person I knew. This is a really uncomfortable moment!  You know how this feels... you stand there feeling like a loser trying to figure out who to talk to.

Usually when you walk into a party you are greeted by friends who welcome you there or you walk in and greet the people you know with hugs and “How are you’s?”

In this case everyone was busy talking to someone or working on something and no one even noticed me walk in.  After standing there like a deer in the head lights for a few minutes… I recognized one girl that I had met a couple times before… so I bee-lined it to her and said hi.


She was so nice and started introducing me to others. An interesting thing happened inside of me at that moment… now that there were people there I knew, my comfort level went up and I felt more confident… so I then started reaching out to people I hadn’t met before and even some who looked as lost as I did.

I wondered why that was.

Here is what I came up with…

When you are experiencing fear… your focus is all on you!  You are worried about looking stupid, not being liked or being rejected.   You are totally insecure.  Insecurity, by nature,  is a very selfish place to be!   It’s all about you!

As soon as I felt more secure (or less afraid) my fear level went down and in this place… LOVE could show up again.  Now that I wasn’t worried about myself, it became really easy to focus on others. After a couple minutes I was looking for other people who felt awkward who I could reach out to.

Why didn’t I do that in the beginning?

I was too focused on me.

So the moral of the story is… FEAR seriously messes up your life and robs the world of your love. When you are afraid for yourself – you aren’t capable of loving others.

So I committed to myself the next time this happens to me… I am going to consciously choose LOVE and walk in there ready to see how many people I can make feel comfortable and cared about!  I am going to set my fear aside and choose love.

I am still not going to sing karaoke though.  No way!

And I am not doing this because I am (in fear) afraid of looking stupid either!

I am doing it because I love you guys too much to subject you to my singing!!


My friend JR and I started talking yesterday about why people are so quick to judge others and this tied into my experience last night.  It comes down to fear about your own value again.

You and I (all of us) have a very deep subconscious fear that we might not be good enough.

This fear drives a great deal of our actions.  It is in play in every interaction you have with other people.  You are always (in every situation) doing one of only two things; you are either giving love or you are asking for love!

Most of the time… you are asking for love.

You do this because you are so scared that you aren’t good enough – that you are only focused on you.  In this place you CANNOT  love others.

You live most of your life desperate for validation that you’re okay first, for something or someone to make you feel loved and valuable!  Your whole life is focused on trying to feel okay about you.

(This is a silly fear of course because your value is never in question at all.  You are and will always be infinitely and absolutely valuable and nothing you do can change it!  Your value was set by God and you do not have to earn it!)

But your subconscious mind doesn’t believe this… and remains scared to death!

Another way we subconsciously try to get validation is by looking for the bad in others.

Think of it this way, the voice of fear in your mind believes that if you can see bad in others, if you can make them “the bad guy” then you must, by default, be the “good guy”.

When you find mistakes, character flaws or badness in another person… there is a subconscious feeling of superiority that shows up.

“Yeah, I am the good guy in this drama!”

That is how it works in every book, TV show, movie or play I have ever seen.  There are always good guys and bad guys!  Life wouldn’t exist without them!  Right?

So your brain has been trained so well in drama and conflict that it now expects, in any situation, to find people who fit these critical roles.  It is always on the lookout for people who’s actions are questionable or who’s behavior is unacceptable in some way… and your brain then locks in on this behavior and screams “bad guy!”

Ha!  See…  now I have proof I’m the “good guy”!

The problem is… in reality we are all exactly the same.

We all have both good and bad in us.

We all have good moments and bad moments.  We all make mistakes and are sometimes selfish or rude.  We all do it!  There are no good guys and bad guys… There is just all of us imperfect, stupid, struggling, scared, trying to do better but screwing up all the time human beings!  There is just all of us imperfect but amazing, gifted and innately good, same as everyone else human beings!

We are all the same.

If we were to see people accurately, we would see them with compassion and forgiveness because we would see that they are the same as us.  They may have different weaknesses than ours but we both have weaknesses!  No one is better than another.

We would see their infinite and absolute value along with our own!  We would realize that we don’t have anything to be afraid of… we are all good enough… and we could just start loving each other.

So that’s Coach Kim’s tip for the day – step back out of fear and just love people!



Giles, K. (2010). Getting from FEAR to LOVE. Retrieved from


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