Doc G. here,

First an update on the founders health. He has been enjoying a diet of spinach tips and sea cucumber, and as per health protocol he is eating all of his veggies. His current BP is 120/60 which is within normal parameters, and his temperature is approx. 37 C. That is 98.6F for those that are not able to make the conversion. The Founder is, however, experiencing some secondary atrophy in his arms due to inactivity and possibly some slow blood circulation. Although this makes him appear drawn and emaciated like a sallow POW survivor, not to worry. Plans are already in progress to get the Founder back on track and ready for the fight. Were gonna do it with blood.

Now, for all practical purposes you should know that we want your blood, because blood makes the grass grow and it is just cool to have on hand. Feel free to come down to the compound and donate yourself a little blood. We are especially interested in the hardcore givers. We offer special treatment to those that can come back each month.

You can be a silver member, if you are able to donate every three weeks, and a gold member every two. Platinum members are those who can tolerate giving blood weekly, but the real prestige comes to those members who can be there every single day. Yes, the coveted Ruby member is treated as a special guest out at the ranch. The Ruby member is entitled to frequent snacks such as high carbohydrate breads, and drinks such as Gatorade and orange juice.

Ruby members are allowed to stay in our special bloodletting tents, that now come with a fan and black and white TV. Ruby members also receive a healthy allowance for their participation, but remember the money is kept in a special Montana Sanctuary Account that is in the Founders name. Not to worry though, once you decide you've had enough just let us know and once your finished with your last hook up we'll get your allowance for you.

This summer at Ranch Days you can make history because we are planning on doing it old school! That's right, for only half the price of a regular Dr. visit It's "bring a loved one along for a Bloodletting weekend!" Don't miss out on this once in a lifetime twin spin event. Some sources suggest that, "Bloodletting (or blood-letting) is the withdrawal of often considerable quantities of blood from a patient in the belief that this would cure or prevent a great many illnesses and diseases. It was a tremendously popular medical practice from antiquity up to the late 19th century, a time span of almost 2,000 years. The practice has been abandoned for all except a few very specific conditions."

And these conditions could be yours. So come on down and partake in ye olde fashion bloodletting right here in Billings, MT where at least 10% of the physicians would perform this procedure on their mom! Kids half off! If you act now and donate heartily to the Founder, I will do this procedure on one barn animal of your choice, (Pigs excluded/must have animal handlers present). There is no need to worry, as I am an expert in the art of making wounds in the human skin that will allow blood to spurt I mean seep out of a flayed open vein or choice artery. If you act now you could get a sharp scalpel before supplies run out. For questions to your answers or answers to you questions, feel free to contact Mr. Blight. For now, that is all.

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Thank you and Good night,

Dr G.